O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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