Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
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Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
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like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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