meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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