Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
