So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
