I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
