Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
