I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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