Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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