so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
