I think my fart just growled at me.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
