please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I understand Curling. That high.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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