He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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