am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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