Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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