yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
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