Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
