I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
