The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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