I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
