Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
