he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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