I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
