A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
