On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
