I love black thongs
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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