Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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