my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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