speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
