is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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