two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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