Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize