Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
