I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
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They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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