Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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