You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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