Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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