Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
