I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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