dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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