dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
