i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
