my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
