bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
