need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
