Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
