I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
