Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
