The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
