Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
