you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
