K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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