You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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