Apparently you make a good broom.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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