genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
