She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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