I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
