I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
