just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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