i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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