Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
