i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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