Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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